Ever felt guilty just for being alive?

Survivor’s guilt -when a person has feelings of guilt because they survived a life-threatening situation when others did not. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a symptom.

The guilt was overwhelming. Coby loved life, and I, well…

I used to hate that I survived my brother Coby’s passing on to eternity with God. I no longer had my best friend and confidant. I really felt there was no purpose for me after being a caretaker for so long.

No more hospitals, meds, IV poles, more meds…

I miss that too, though, because Coby always made it out…except the one time.

I’m not going to go into how my brother asked me to take him off the ventilator that was keeping him alive. Just read Make It Count by Coby and Casey Gent (plug!). I told all about how my brother and I kept our pact until the end. Or his beginning.

Numb at first, I didn’t talk. I isolated myself and thought I had no one to talk to that would understand.

Then the guilt, oh the guilt set in that I was healthy, and Coby struggled just to breathe. I realized after Coby was gone just how sick he was.

But he never let on.

I would find my brother outside looking at the sky outside our screened-in porch in Florida. “What are you doing, brother?” I would ask.

“Isn’t it beautiful?!” Coby would say with those huge blue eyes sparkling.

But the sparkle went out. Guilt came in.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after watching my brother and best friend “breathe,” struggle really, his last breath. I just didn’t realize how much of an impact that had on me until later. Even now, nearly 14 years later, I battle the scene in my head.

Flashbacks. Oh, the flashbacks.

Coby asked ME for help.

Vent gone.

Coby gone.

But it all dragged on.

Our family was together one last time, just the four of us. Then our friends came in to send Coby off with love.

Coby’s Angels!

And I have a hard time with it. There it is.

However, the other day my “sister,” Keri, told me how awesome it was for Coby to be surrounded by his family and beautiful girls telling him that they love him.

We were there. We were all there, just like Coby wanted.

Flashbacks now are better, thanks to Keri’s and my talk. I wasn’t seeing the good.

I don’t have as many nightmares as I did right after Coby went on to glory. He wouldn’t want me to.

He’d want me laughing, although that is hard for me a lot of the time, even though I have Toddford Gent as my dad!

Just writing this blog helps me to remember the good times, the many laughs with Coby, trips, him being my boss. I seemed to be alive then, more so than now.

But hey, it’s day to day, moment to moment really.

“I release all feelings of worry and guilt.”

“Throughout life, the two most futile emotions are guilt for what has been done and worry about what might be done.”

Wayne Dyer

There is no doubt in my mind that I will see those sparkling blue eyes again.